Iris Wildthyme and the Celestial Omnibus
Review By Max Shrek on Gallifrey Base
A Gamble on Wildthyme by Steve Lyons
The story starts off with a bang and what a one too! This is really an “all style, no substance” tale but that’s all-right. Given its placement at the beginning, what’s important here is what it establishes; the characters and mythology. Iris, Panda, MIAOW, one-half of Iris’s terrible animal foes (the other half coming later in the book). The only downside to this is Iris and Panda sort of feel… peripheral; they’re the characters who say the plot and stuff (which Lyons actually lamp-shades). Though both are written so magnificently, it doesn’t matter.
The actual plot, what’s there anyways, is a lot of fun. The Dogworlders from “Mad Dogs and Englishmen” appear and this time, they’ve taken issue with the famous dogs-playing-poker painting! The one cheating in the picture is a great hero; it’s offending to their heritage! That’s hilarious; exactly the kind of stuff I’d expect from “Mr. Conundrum.” Oh, and “The Oncoming Hangover” was so good I immediately had to put the book down and tell my friends online. It kind of lacks a beginning, kind of lacks an ending and at any other place in the anthology, it would’ve felt light and jarring, but right at the beginning, as a wild, crazy and above all, Iris-y prologue to their universe, it’s perfect.
Sovereign by Mags L. Halliday
Wow! Mags L. Halliday does it again! “History 101” and “Warring States” are fabulous and so I had high hopes for this one. And does it live up to my expectations? Boy, does it! The atmosphere is lovely. The cold winter of a rural setting is brilliantly evoked; you can just imagine reading this next to a fireplace with a nice cup of hot coco in the middle of the night, while outside the wind howls and snow and hail hit your windows. The story is bleeding out of the ears with atmosphere and Mags, like a sculptor, gathers and shapes it beautifully into the story we have here.
The characters are all so written so well; Belle was a fantastic protagonist, someone who I could understand and relate to 100%. Both of the objects of her affection are given good material and good/bad qualities. There’s not a clear cut, “Oh, she should totally go for Mr. White Hat!” The eccentric old ladies, including Iris, are all given fabulous material. I love that while Iris does get a lot of page-time and some great lines, there’s nothing explicitly confirming her stuff to be real! She could easily be just some crazy old aunt with tall tells about pandas (who I missed here, but can see why he wouldn’t have fit) and the galaxy, though of course, the other supernatural stuff kind of confirms it.
My only slight niggle with it is the ending. It just sort of… ends. Belle’s going through this internal conflict, which does she chose, which does she like more and then… the owl attacks, it’s Alex, it’s her true love, happily ever after. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down! I wanted to see their next conversation, Luke’s reaction, her goodbye to Luke, more of an epilogue. But other than that, this was extraordinary. A standout in an excellent collection, this is definitely one of my favorites.
The Unhappy Medium by Mark Wright and Cavan Scott
I wasn’t sure what to expect with this, but I’m not complaining with what we got! This is a story that knows it’s a short story and uses it to its fullest advantage. There are no issues with pacing, the beginning starts at exactly the right place and the ending stops at exactly the right place. Iris and Panda have good, meaty roles yet allow a side character to be the protagonist, someone whose story we can know and relate to in the space of a couple pages. I really, really like the story’s structure and the way it holds together.
The actual story is quite good as well. “Fake medium who can actually talk to ghosts” is a great hook, a bit reminiscent of someone of the earlier drafts of “The Unquiet Dead.” I love that Iris’s bus can go into the Spirit Realm and the creatures that come out of it and infect the audience are quite frightening! My favorite bit, I must admit, is the bit of timey-wimey as the end. Taking advantage of time travel in a story’s almost always a good thing, but using time travel in the WRONG way, as a “totally shouldn’t happen” paradox to stop the bad guys? Only Iris. This is a bit of fun, light and playful with a touch of horror and a surprisingly touching ending. I must admit, I did well-up a bit!
Future Legend by Stuart Douglas
It’s perhaps not surprising that once we get a story by one of the editors, we jump from nice, little, personal stories to a sprawling epic at the end of the universe with robotic Pussyworlders! This was a rousing adventure, spanning multiple planets and realities with a great set of villains and tons of callbacks to old stories and references. Panda’s narration is gold, absolute gold. Stuart Douglas writes Panda to perfection. His witty, sarcastic and pompous voice was easily digestible. I could read a whole Panda-first-person novel someday.
This story really stretches the mythology. From the use of the Obverse to how the universe (and Iris’s bus) will eventually end up, it really felt like this was an important chapter in the Iris saga. I’m also surprised by how much ideas and the like it uses and hints at from Iris’s… sister mythology. From the segment “Key of the Clockworks” to Tom on the freighter crashing into the dinosaurs to an interdimensional void to the Acupuncturist with the phony anagram; heck, even comparing the Obverse to a ship in a bottle instantly brought to mind the “universe in a bottle” of Lawrence Miles fame (especially “Dead Romance” which does the same thing).
The only thing I really didn’t like was what I felt to be a jarring change in style about midway through. The first half of the story uses the epistolary format, with some occasional gestures to Tom, to great effect and then… it stops and becomes a rather more traditional first-person. Now, I know why this was done, continuing the epistolary format wouldn’t have fit but it just felt odd to me, like if a story would switch from first to third-person halfway through. Other than that, this wonderful little tale is probably the Iris equivilant of a Greek epic.
Battleship Anathema by Phil Purser-Hallard
We all know what this one’s about. Battlestar Galactica. A parody of both the old and new series and how they relate to each other, it’s a fascinating story. I’m someone who both respects and understands how good the new series of BSG is, but at the same time, completely agree with Iris. Making some grim and gritty doesn’t make it better; it makes it darker, which (despite what some fanboys think) isn’t necessarily better. The fact that something as silly and outrageous as Iris can still provoke genuine and real human emotions is a testament to that. So even if (according to his site), Philip doesn't agree with me or Iris, I’ve still been waiting for someone to tell this story for a while.
I’m still not sure on the “Subsequently…” part. I mean, I get (or at least, think) that it’s a parody of “One Year Later…” in “Lay Down Your Burdens Part II” but it just feels wrong. The beginning of the story is building up this momentum… and then we get a series of excerpts and then, the plot’s sort of in the finale. It just felt awkward, I think. It sort of felt like a novel that’s been summarized rather than an actual short story.
But don’t let that scare you away; this is by Philip Purser-Hallard, a writer I greatly admire, so there’s still a lot of good in here. All the parodies of BSG stuff are clever and chuckle-worthy, the Jane Austen bit actually touched me quite a bit, had a lot of impact that, and c’mon, the pandroids are awesome (though, and this kind of ties into what I was saying above, it sort of feels like we’re being told all about the pandroids, we don’t actually get to see them). Tons of brilliant ideas and comedic scenes and heartfelt moments but I feel it would’ve been better in something longer to flesh it out more properly.
The Dreadful Flap by Paul Magrs
Iris’s trip through modern sci-fi pastiches continues. Out of Battlestar Galactica and into… Torchwood. With its “Dreadful Flap” taking the place of the Rift, you have a wonderful parody of that show, and rather like the Star Trek in “The Blue Angel,” we’re introduced to a much more domestic version; the homely Darlington sect, not Cardiff under the Millennium Centre. There’s also some snides at the modern-day UNIT as well (since after all, a UNIT homage was how MIAOW came out originally), with Jenny taking a much more negatively spun Martha role. Oh, and I loved “It’s Weirdly S***.” I’d pay good money to read a MIAOW series named that!
This is a busy, busy story but what else would you expect from Paul Magrs? In addition to the Torchwood/UNIT stuff, we get Iris dealing with a past companion and how they’ve changed since leaving her. Barbara the Vending Machine from “Sick Building” triumphantly returns and is hunted down. Noel Coward’s history’s been altered and the whole of reality rests in his hands, which just so happen to contain reality-devouring scissors. The day is saved, but in a predestination paradox. Oh, and the villain is freaking DRACULA. A lesser author would’ve been crushed by the weight of all these elements, but Paul weaves them together perfectly in one, large tapestry.
It’s so clever too. I chuckled but kinda thought, “That’s a bit cheap” at Panda’s “Who?” line… which is a just red herring and the actual person she’s referring to is Noel Coward! Though, was it ever explained why his history had been altered so that he was doing panto? It was the scissors, I presume, but I don’t remember it ever being properly explained and was a bit shocked when history didn’t “return to normal” for him in the end! Still, one of the best of the collection. What else would you expect from the man who created her? Oh, and TIME C***.
And Not A Drop to Drink… by Steven Wickham
A slightly mixed bag this one. There were lots of things I enjoyed, but I think another reviewer’s comment that it’s “an extended joke” hit the nail on the head. It’s got all the good trappings of a good Iris story; a nice mystery, Panda being clear-headed while all Iris can think about is alcohol, a spooky setting made out of something we don’t usually consider a spooky setting, but… It kinda feels like it’s going somewhere and in the end, doesn’t really. I thought the revelation of what was making the distress signal was a bit anti-climatic, though it did make for a good joke, which is all I suppose matters in the end.
Oh, and… TARDIS! It actually says TARDIS! What? How did that happen?! Throughout the book, it’s been clever and winking at hints and moments in Iris’s ex’s program, and then they went out and used the T-word! I was a bit disappointed that the foreplay had ended and climaxed, but eh; mountain out of a mole hill probably. I will say that the image of Iris swimming in a vat of alcohol is a stand-out image in the book, the children story was lovely and looking back, I’m quite glad we got a nice break where there was no reality-threatening chaos and the only characters were Iris and Panda. If THIS is one of the lesser stories, that says volumes about the excellence of this anthology.
Iris Wildthyme y Señor Cientocinco contra Los Monstruos del Fiesta by Cody Schell
Okay, let me begin with saying: Mr. 105 is amazing. What a fantastic character! He’s a bit of a Mary Sue, the oh-so-perfect-guy who is always charming and mysterious and everyone loves and can do anything, but the story is so far-fetched that you accept it and the fact that he’s a Mexican wrestler makes it more absurd that he’s Mr. Perfect, thus better. He’s got so many great lines and moments and you genuinely feel for him and his loneliness the whole way through. He has to, has to, HAS TO appear again. There’s two ways about it. If he’s not in “The Panda Book of Horror,” I will cry.
One thing that shocked me was that this was genuinely horrific. Other stories so far, such as “The Unhappy Medium,” had horrific moments and bits, but this was full on Hinchcliffe! Complete with mummy! There were proper monsters in this, extremely creepy ones at that. The idea of something as joyous as a celebration twisted and morphed into something cruel and demonic is a terrible though, shown in great effect by the details in the story (such as the game of Twister). And Panda too! Mindless, feral Panda was… whoa.
There are so many other great moments, too. Too many to mention. Panda sleeping with his eyes open, Iris bribing the little kid, how the story handles 105 removing his mask, the “Inglourious Basterds”-esque use of “Si” and “Señora” in places… In summary, Cody Schell, where have you been my whole life? I really, really hope to read more from you in the future as well as reading more adventures of your wonderful creation, Mr. 105!
Why? Because We Like You by Jonathan Dennis
My God (a.k.a. Haruhi). Iris does Disney World gone mad. From Walt Disney-being-frozen alive to secret tunnels hidden beneath the Magic Kingdom, this story takes all the urban myths and legends about the Disney Empire and turns them into one glorious tale; one of thrones and soldiers and children, not 100% out of place with the material it’s parodying. And yet there’s also a survival horror aspect to this as well, with various survivors huddling together, finding refuge, working out the problem. It’s almost like a Romero zombie movie. “Disney World of the Dead.” Oh, and Iris using a robot loop hole to meet the cybernetically-enhanced had honcho reminded me of “Voyage of the Damned.”
So many good one-liners and moments. “Reverse the polarity of the moron flow,” “Or maybe he’s just an arse,” the brutal Presidents, Suffragette City, “It’s written on your hat,” I could go on and on and on… I did wonder if Iris putting the gin in “the Founder’s” tubes was a bit cruel and out of character for her, but ah, well, how else would they have ended it? But anyways, exactly the kind of thing you’d expect from the man who (possibly… probably) created Michael Brookhaven. A wonderful, twisted fairy tale. Appropriate, given the subject material.
The Scarlet Shadow by Stewart Sheargold
This story has a lot of interesting characters, but not enough time spent on them. The idea of an ex-lover of Panda’s is an amazing one, a Pussywordler making it even better (the spacesuit bit reminded me of River Song) and she’s got a wonderful “catty” personality, but she sort of appears around the halfway point and disappears shortly afterwards. Marlene Dietrich trapped in the past is another lovely idea, but she’s sort of relegated to an “ask the questions” companion (though the idea of her and Von Sternberg making films out of “The Scarlet Empress” and “The Blue Angel” is hilarious). The Duke of Autumn is an excellent villain, a renegade Clockwork and a sort of alchemical version of “The Deadly Assassin” Master, but he only really appears at the end.
None of that really matters though because this is a less of an actual short story and more of a Russian folktale. In that respect, there’s a lot of good here; a lot of atmosphere and mood. The idea of the Russian dolls coming to life was a bit too similar in concept to the last story, with the “Small World” children, but the idea of the living painting is still a good one. It feels like a genuine story that old gypsies would tell each other around campfires, with the beautiful daughter and the creepy old man and the roaring rampage of revenge. But I also like that it was slightly sci-fi’ed up, with the time spillage and the Museum of Absolutes (I’d love to see a story set there… for the record, I’d also love to see the “Iris/Panda/Marlene/Gemima” story as well). It’s not perfect; it’s slightly boring in places and just feels like it could be… I dunno, richer… but in terms of FEELING, it’s lovely.
Only Living Girls by Steve Cole
Fandom. That’s ultimately what this story is about. Sure, it’s got all the post-apocalyptic trappings, with a small group traveling an ash-ridden world, scavenging the corpses of Earthly material, but that’s all surface this. This is really about fans. These two girls, despite arguing over stupid, little things like the number of times he failed his exam, despite getting downright creepy about it sometimes (and stealing the corpses of the cast members and setting them up like they’re alive is… near the top of the creepy list), their sheer enthusiasm, joy and LOVE for their program saved not only it, but the entire world. For such a dark background, it’s very, very uplifting.
With Panda missing, Iris “borrows” another companion for this adventure… Fit—err, sorry, “Fritz” (Kreiner, I presume). This was an unexpected but excellent appearance from someone who, let’s be honest, might never have appeared again. He doesn’t have that much to do here, as I said he just becomes the companion role; he follows Iris around and helps with stuff, but it was nice to see him nevertheless and there are hints and shades at his classic personality throughout the text (I love that image of the girls looking outside and seeing Iris’s bus and his sports car).
I also like how there’s a more typical Iris adventure going on beneath the surface, with glimpses and references made to it (Panda as the guest star of a TV show! Between this and “Battleship,” I think the “Panda as celebrity” idea is quite popular among the writers). Was this story written rather late? I noticed quite a few typos in this compared to the other stories (not least of which, the text actually calling him “Fitz” at one point!). This is a story about fiction and fandom and how the two relate to each other. That’s perfect country for Iris, metafictional star, so just like “A Gamble in Wildthyme,” here, as the finale of the book, it’s perfect.
Doctor Who anthologies have a reputation for not being… the best to their abilities. Out of the ones I’ve read, I’m afraid I have to agree on a lot of them. 1-3 absolutely brilliant stories surrounded by a string of not BAD but mediocre, uninteresting ones. I have to say “Iris Wildthyme and the Celestial Omnibus” not only breaks this, it shatters it. While not perfect (but what is?), every single story is of exceptionally high quality. Full marks, Paul. Full marks, Stuart. Full marks, writers. This was a wonderful, wonderful book. I am so excited for “The Panda Book of Horror.” Who’s going to write for it? I’d love to see Jon Blum or Lance Parkin return to the Iris fold and ANY writer from this would be much welcomed, and of course, getting new writers is very cool as well. Man, it can’t come soon enough!
Text (c) Max Shrek, 2009
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